Cominatcha 12:44 am, after a harshly beautiful day of lessons and synchronicities.
And I just want to take a moment to thank my angels and guides.
Funny how they speak to me on the tough days where I am aware. They have been speaking to me other days, but not as positively as they are tonight. They don’t come to me in this way when I am stuck, they come at me in this way when I am taking risks and making mistakes and learning and needing a safety net of comfort to fall on, when I am joyful and dancing and stretching and expressing myself.
They still come to me when I am stuck, just in a more calling out way rather than a supportive way…like the things in TV shows that make my stomach turn and my head spin…and losing my debit card or breaking my computer or spilling something, or in scenarios where I’m really not listening, getting into a car accident or a getting a ticket…lol
Tonight my angels are speaking to me in a way that supports the insights I have already been having, as a sign that my insights are accurate and I should keep going 😊 Topics coming up in my TV show that I have been thinking of already, like snakes and sensuality. And while I was dancing, seeing little bursts of light while I was hula hooping, and a shape of a light figure in front of me, you know, the fuzzy jedi spirit look. The first time that happened to me I was stretching and saw it as a figure doing the same stretch in front of me, and I felt like it was my higher self. So basically hula hooping in like dancing with my higher self? Okay okay…
And while I was sitting in bed getting all of these messages, before I felt the need to burst out of bed and hula hoop to black and white san holo, I was slightly thinking of my most recent Qveen Herby stumbling; Chucky Cheese. The part I had stuck in my head was “feeling my emotions, tear drops like a drop in the ocean,” but then when I listened to it after I was cooling down on dancing, the whole verse screamed at me,
“My angels know that I’m a magical bitch cause they
Talk to me all telepathic and shit
when I’m struggling and seeing harder times
they send me signs,
Bitch, you know that shit be working out, every time”
And I just fucking love that. I love that Qveen has so much music from me to learn from and I just keep evolving through the songs that speak to me. I remember listening to Chucky Cheese a while ago and being like “eh.” I wasn’t ready for it lol thank you Qveen <3
And then the meaning of black and white just randomly coming into my mind while watching TV…”meet me on the brighter side when you change your mind, nothing here is black and white,” to the point where I had to jump out of bed and start moving lol. UGH those lyrics give me life around the idea that there is no true moral compass, we are all doing our best, and all we can do is learn.
So, to speak to the tough reflection part of the day….wait.
First, I just want to share downloads that were coming to me while I was dancing [to make sure I don’t forget] ; I share love and emotion through my movement. It’s funny in the Dharma Quiz I was avoiding the entertainer archetype but on some level I knew that has to be a part of my Dharma, because I love singing, dancing, playing music, acting, etc. Sahara did say that we can have all of them in different levels and which ones are the most meaningful to us. And I think dance and movement, maybe even acting and singing, and music in general, is a way for the be the entertainer Dharma type– someone is mean to help people feel something and think about something through their talent.
My other main ones would be Nurturer and Visionary, Visionary is what really speaks to future me and goal oriented me, the person I wish to become. Which is fitting because it is the person who is suppose to usher in the new paradigm. The nurturer is the person who helps people heal in this paradigm, which is also fitting, and it’s easy to see how I am suppose to be a mixture of both. Oh and researcher, was the second one I got from the quiz. Which is validating for the calling I have to interview people, find collective data of what we need, to figure out policy and other ways to move forward 😊 Oh, and I just remembered, the Teacher archetype would likely be in my top five. Maybe doing this research and then teaching people about it…oh boy, so many idea…
Which leads back into the lessons of the day; Visionary, male eagle energy coming off as too forceful and ending up hurting one of my favorite people. And needing to balance that with the nurturer, female eagle, slow, still energy. Speaking to my latest lessons around sensuality, dark fem, and accepting myself to be what I am.
I have noticied in my stretching, foam rolling, even Gua Sha and other practices, I come at it with this mentality, “it’s okay if I go too hard and force my body, because it will learn from that,” but in reality it’s not having it’s full potential or creating a sustainable change, because it is too much too fast. And that’s the male eagle energy I feel coming up – it’s better to get close to the sun and hurt yourself to be able to learn or gain something. An energy healer told me that once when speaking to my eagle energy – eagles fly so close to sun they scathe themselves just to have a new experience, learn something new, to transform. I’ll resist the rabbit hole is all the times that concept has been true in my life…
Ooof. It’s funny how the deeper lessons end up coming in an easier way, like it happened so fast, the awareness and events all lined up so fast, within the last week, maybe two. But I am working through it in a much deeper and grounded way. Like I feel that I am deeply learning the lesson, not just acknowledging it. The guilt will help me remember why I don’t want to do this again.
I am also recognizing other times in my life I have done this, which I knew and acknowledged the lesson at the time, but now realizing how it hurt my closest friend, makes me realize how much it sucked for others in the past.
Like that one time I had a few too many tequila shots and gave Asha harsh feedback, tried to force her to think about her relationship with her Dad in a way that she wasn’t ready for.
And Levi and various friends in general…how I can just go too hard in trying to be challenging in a helpful way, that it turns out to be hurtful. It’s too much, too fast. Not everyone wants to be scathed by the sun.
In the manifesting challenge I decided to do in the new year, I called in and said I was a “Yes” for risks, challenges, and the recovery time that comes with it. The awareness of recovery time comes from a place of knowing that socially I need time to decompress and process any and all social interactions. Any time that I feel authentic, vulnerable, really putting outself out there, even if it goes well, I need time.
In my recovery time after crossing my friends boundary, it helped me process myself to point where I let go of my ego and integrated my guilt, so I don’t over apologize.
Another thing I am trying to work on; taking over the situation with my guilt and emotion, to a point where the situation becomes about comforting me…like that one time in grad school I cried when I was apologizing to Jayden…and that time I was trying to comfort Katie and started crying about her struggles and she ended up comforting me….yikes lol.
I laugh it off because I also love that sensitive part of myself, it reminds me of Wade from Elemental. Extremely extra but always has the best intentions.
Which is why the forceful eagle is not meant for me. It has it’s place, as does the deeply sensitive side, but these things can’t exist in . Female eagle energy, a flow of both, is what’s for me.
And the synchronicity that my knees just started to itch, like they have been constantly lately, and I look at the Roby Chart and what are knees? Pride, ego, changing self-image lol I said to my friend today, when I was apologizing, I basically chose my ego over your boundary and I am genuinely sorry for that.
I have been so damn itchy lately…like since before Christmas, routinely, every night around bed time. What does itchiness come from? Heat. Reiki heat, healing heat, transforming heat. Knees, lower back (sexuality, creativity), before it was also my calves (foundational beliefs), but that has gone away and evolved more to the knees and lower back, and occasionally my shoulders (how I carry life). I’m sure it’s no accident I am itchy in these places.
Ugh I have so many conscious tattoo ideas to represent these things and integrate their meanings into intentional places of my body. Kriya on my ankles, eagle on arm, portal for my angels and my guides…but I’m broke and tired so I’m going to hold that intention, get some Benadryl, and put my ass in bed.
Goodnight Angels <3
