When my therapist asked me the famous question…
“How will you know you’re feeling better? How will you know you’ve met your goals?”
I was surprised by the truth that came to my mind first; “when I can throw together a outfit and feel confident out and about all day.”
I used to be able to tell how bad of a state I was in by how fixated I would be on my outfits getting dressed, yet still leave the house feeling icky. Growing more self-conscious throughout the day, maybe even driving home to change clothes, eventually developing the belief that “fashion and aestetics are superficial,” with a pattern of dressing casually safe. Which usually left me feeling frumpy and inauthentic, knowing there was fun pieces tucked in my closet that I just didn’t have the confidence to pull off.
I was afraid of being seen as trying to hard, not professional enough, too innocent, too tacky, not cool enough to pull off something bold, not edgy enough to wear that.
Too much of this…not enough of that.
Flashbacks of friends saying I dress like a grandma are flickering in…
Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s healing, but I’m realizing that I can embrace all of those things.
I am edgy. I am quirky. I am dainty. I am sexy. I am a professional. I am my grandmother’s granddaughter. I am vintage. I am current. I am multi-generational. I am multi-dimensional. Basically, I’m amazing.
Funny how I am just realizing fashion is an inner child thing for me…recently in a quantum healing hyponsis session, a vision of a photo comparison from my childhood scrapbook brought me to tears.
On the left, a rock star halloween costume – pink cheetah pants, platforms, a green snake skin jacket, space buns. Smiling big and swining my glo stick around (in retro spect I was closeted rave baby).
On the right, a prim and proper no teeth smile, sitting a church office chair, a white frilly shirt with flowers and sparkles, hair half up, ironically holding my green snake skin jacket in my hands.
When I look at my childhood photos, I can always tell how authentic I felt by which smile I had.
In that moment of the session, it brought me great despair to realize I learned to suppress and mold myself to my environment early on.
At my middle school fairwell I was voted most likely to win project runway. I remember being shocked and confused – where did that come from? It was a school requiring uniforms that I attended since elementary, so I grew up slowly squandering the expression avenue of fashion. I did show out on dress of choice days though…
I am not exactly sure when or why I lost that rock star spark, but I do know I am finding it again. I can proudly say I’ve worn *almost* everything in my closet with confidence and successfully express my mood through fashion *most* days – which is a big statement for a newly unmasked sensitive to rejection human.
I’m having fun styling, adding new twists to base layers, accessorizing, trying new aesthetics, mirroring the seasons, being bold, and keeping an edge when I go casual. I’ve realized I need to spend chuncks of time dressing up and planning outfits so that I don’t have to stress in the mornings and default to casual or frumpy. I am mastering the art of dressing like my multi-faceted self 🙂
I still have frumpy days, but they match my mood every so often instead of being the norm.
I still use the awareness of insecure fixation on outfits as a tell on how I am actually doing, and some days I pack a different pair of pants or shoes…just in case.
But more and more I leave with no back ups, and move through the day with confidence.
Don’t get it twisted, I still rip everything off and get comfy as soon as I get home, because let’s be real – beauty is pain and sometimes that shit is uncomfortable. But changing comes from a sense of reward, not disgust.
*patting myself on the back*
I see you, little fashionista Courtney. I’m sorry for the years I forgot about you, I’ve got you now.
We in dis bitch. 
